The Oppressive Spotlight - The Illusion of the Stage

Does it ever feel like you're being... watched?

One of the toughest parts of a childhood as a PK is the feeling that you're being consistently observed and scrutinized by people in the congregation. I call this, "The Oppressive Spotlight," because it feels like you're an actor up on a stage, except you can never get off of it. The reality is that (fair or not) your pastor parent will be judged by how his/her children behave. After all, haven't we all heard it said at one point or another, "If he doesn't have control over his own household, how is he supposed to lead the church?" Or something to that effect. Maybe sometimes it's merely thought and felt, rather than spoken, but that pressure is definitely there. The result is that you feel way more pressure than a "normal" kid might feel, because you're not only representing yourself, but your parents as well.

Let me start by saying that this feeling is very real, and mostly valid. Pastor's kids are held to impossibly high standard in most churches. They are expected to know all of the Bible verses and Sunday school answers, to behave in a manner that is consistent with Scripture, and to be a model of what a good Christian youth looks like, which all the peasant children (sarcasm intended) should strive to become. It's no big deal if a "normal kid" goes over to a friend's house on Saturday night and doesn't come to church the next day. But if a pastor's kid were to skip church, it'd be scandalous. If you're a pastor's kid and the Sunday school offering envelope passes you by and you don't put anything into it, it's like you're not only committing a sin against God and the Sunday school teacher, but leading the rest of the class into sin as well.

For me, at least part of the Oppressive Spotlight Syndrome was purely psychological, as I somehow convinced myself that I was far more important than I really was. It's probable that half that spotlight feeling was totally imagined.

But even if nobody cared how I acted, I still felt like I needed to do my best to be the "good Christian boy" and never do anything which would cause my parents or God or people in the church any grief.

If you feel this way, listen up:

First, you need to realize that you cannot be perfect. Even if you will it with every ounce of your vitality, you will fall short. God has forgiven you and has extended his grace to you. If the perfect, holy God of the Universe is willing to forgive and forget, it's okay to cut yourself some slack. Don't buy into other people's lofty expectations for your life. Be who you are.

Second, you need a small, but healthy dose of apathy in regards to how other people view you. Sure, you want to be respected and have a good reputation, but in the words of one of the wisest people I've ever met, "Lighten up; let a fart!" Try not to take yourself or other people too seriously. Realize that God doesn't need you to fulfill his plan for the world.

The Oppressive Spotlight is pretty tough to deal with. It's makes it hard for you be yourself. But don't give up; half of it is probably in your head, and the other half just doesn't matter that much.