Vocation

My early childhood idol was Reggie White, a defensive end for the Green Bay Packers. Number 92 represented everything I wanted... and everything I thought that I "should" want in life. He was an outstanding football player for the Packers from August to February, and then from March to July he was a preacher, like my dad.

I wanted to play football when I was a kid. That really was the sum of my life's ambition at that point. Now that I'm older, I've come to realize that it's not just the game of football that I love, but the competition, the human confrontation, and the drama that unfolds as rivals clash on the gridiron. I love the story behind the plays. I love the week in between games that affords fans and analysts and commentators the opportunity to debate, criticize, and admonish all the events that took place in the last game.

Anyway, I wanted to play football for the Green Bay Packers when I grew up. Why? Because I loved football. That love came from within me. Nobody told me that I should play football. Nobody tried to convince me or the moral values behind such a vocation. I just loved the game.

But I also felt compelled to follow after my dad's footsteps... to be a minister. That's why Reggie White was such an appealing figure to me. He was both. And I figured if he could do both, then I could too, and thus fulfill the expectations I felt were imposed upon me as a PK, as well as my hopes and dreams for what I wanted for my life.

The football dream eventually faded away. I realized probably in 9th grade when I tried tackling Tyler Raymond (a hulk of a freshman who played running back on our team) in practice and ended up flat on my back. The coach decided this would be a great time to teach me how to have football toughness, and so he called the exact same play about 10 times in a row until I finally tackled Tyler without ended up on my back. (To this day, I believe that Tyler let me make the tackle so the offense could work on a different play.) I realized that professional football was probably not for me.

Ministry was another matter. Ministry was realistic. I realized I could still have that half of Reggie, and make a living.

I didn't want to go into college undeclared, so I just picked ministry and figured I'd switch if I didn't like it. There were two types of classes -- ones which were theological, philosophical, historical... the world of ideas... and then there were the ones which were practical... preaching, youth ministry, pastoral care and counseling, church leadership, etc.

I loved all of the classes having to do with ideas.

But I hated all of the practical classes. They filled me with anxiety. I didn't realize this until later, but I felt like I would never be able to actually do the things we were learning. And even if I could do these things one time or even a handful of times, the next week would always be looming... I felt as if a career in ministry would be like just waiting around until I finally failed and got found out as a phony.

I never felt called to ministry. I just did it. It was that boyhood dream of wanting to follow in my dad's footsteps. He is a great man... he is a great dad. But I am not him... I am not able to be like him. That's how God made him, but he made me different than that.

I'm still in the process of trying to figure out what's next for my life. Right now, I work at a Boys and Girls Club on the LCO Reservation, and I feel like maybe this is a good "Midian" kind of place for me, which is the place Moses ran after trying to liberate the Hebrews by violent force. Midian was a healing time for Moses... a time to get married... rediscover himself. But eventually Moses was called out of Midian, and I believe that the Club will not be my final destination.

What about you? Do you feel called to ministry? Or do you feel compelled? Does church stuff give you joy? Or is it hard for you to live the way your dad/mom lives?